so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Randomize
