I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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