just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
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