totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
