So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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