i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize