What did we do last night that was yellow?
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
