I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
