Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
