Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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