So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
