I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize