dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
