i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
