Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
My vagina just clenched in fear
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
