Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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