he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
