Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize