Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
