So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
