I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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