i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Randomize
