Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
