im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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