I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Randomize
