Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
