so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
