She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
We have so much sex to catch up on
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
