I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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