Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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