Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
