well I can't set my house on fire every night
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
