Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
