then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
