So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
