i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
