I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
