My balls are so social today.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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