I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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