You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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