i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
i've created a new STD.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize