You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
