How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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