hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
