remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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