You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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