I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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