I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize
