I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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