We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
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