I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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