hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
