I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Randomize
