The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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