you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
