Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Randomize
