so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Still dying that you shit outside
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
