spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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