did you get engaged???
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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