Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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