if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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