She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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