From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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