I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
My bed smells like the plague
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
