it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
